Okay… you asked for it: time for a little humor

Posted: January 8, 2010 by thesundowner in Uncategorized

Electile Dysfunction

“Electile Dysfunction”: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

Electile Dysfunction (ED or political impotence) is an emotional dysfunction characterized by the inability to develop or maintain any excitement over the political process. There are various underlying causes, such as general apathy of the voting bloc, nerve trauma from negative propaganda in the news media, none of which can be cured by traditional surgery.

The causes of electile dysfunction may be physiological or psychological. Physiologically, election excitement is achieved by a hydraulic mechanism based upon blood entering and being retained in the brain to feed it the necessary oxygen for the necessary thought processes that go with making political decisions.

There is, at present, a general lack of cogent thought process in much of the political debate by candidates, and even less in the electorate. Lack of electile virility seems to be more prevalent in some political parties, more than others.

There are various ways in which this can be impeded, most of which are amenable to treatment. Psychological impotence is where logical penetration fails due to thoughts or feelings (psychological reasons) rather than physical impossibility; this can often be helped. Notably in psychological impotence there is a very strong placebo effect.

Electile Dysfunction is often tied closely to erectile dysfunction and can have devastating psychological consequences including feelings of shame, loss or inadequacy and pusillanimity. There is a strong culture of silence and inability to discuss the matter, especially in circles of friends where you are in the majority opinion of philosophical ideas. In fact around 1 in 10 voters will experience recurring Electile Dysfunction at some point during a political campaign.


  • Neurogenic Disorders (spinal cord and brain injuries) caused by “slamming” from push polls, and sudden impact with mud slinging.
  • Hormonal Disorders (pituitary gland tumor; low levels of the hormones) due to abnormalities inherent with candidates of both genders.
  • Arterial Disorders (peripheral vascular disease, hypertension; reduced blood flow to the cranium… and alcoholism), which affects about 90% of the general populace, and over 95% of political candidates.

Nonphysical causes:

Mental disorders (clinical depression, schizophrenia, substance abuse, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, personality disorders or traits, psychological problems, negative feelings, imbecilic disorders and moronic intelligence levels of elected officials) which affect but a few of the candidates.

Lifestyle: alcohol and drugs, obesity, cigarette smoking, (a common malady that has afflicted previous candidates-including those who don’t inhale). (Ahem!)

Other disorders

A few causes of Electile Dysfunction may be iatrogenic (medically caused). Excessive alcohol use has long been recognised as one cause of ED, a leading symptom among lower socioeconomic classes, “white trash” and a few former governors. The euphemism “brewer’s droop,” made light of a similar phenomenon by Shakespeare in Macbeth could aptly be applied to today’s present condition of lack of passion in the political process… and those married to overtly masculine candidates of the female gender.

A study in 2002 found that ED can also be associated with bicycling and jogging and over-use (or abuse) of “sex toys”. The number of hours on a bike and/or jogging, or the long term use of “toys” is indirectly related to electile dysfunction. Some have even gone further in their case studies to suggest that horse-back riding can be equally contributory to ED.

Medical diagnosis

There are no formal medical tests to diagnose Electile Dysfunction. Some tests are generally done with exercises in logic; but due to the fact that most political candidates don’t exercise logic and critical thinking, neither does a large bloc of the electorate, it is a long process in finding a cure. And with the flaccid (no pun intended) proposals of a nationalize health care system, don’t look for the government (or the tax payers) to pay for ED any time soon.

A useful and simple way to distinguish between physiological and psychological impotence is to determine whether the patient ever has an actual coherent political thought process based in logic, history and facts. If never, the problem is likely to be physiological; if sometimes (however rarely), it could be physiological or psychological. However, if they continue to vomit out the bilge from their typical play-books, then one may assume that their ED is purely psychological, if not philosophical… however erroneous it may be.


The earliest attempts at treating Electile Dysfunction date back to previous elections — and sometimes — revolutions and civil war. Jogging the electorate’s memory of previous political debacles is an effective remedy (sometimes) if you can get them to engage a dialectical thought process. However, most who suffer from Electile Dysfunction just simply engage the necessary thought processes to carry on a logical debate. Facts, history and statistics usually put them into a state of apoplectic confusion and they can injure themselves by choking on their own spit or saliva. Other symptoms include drooling in a catatonic state while sitting in front of the television while watching the Main Stream Media.

The Cure

Sometimes there is no other cure but to start over. Eliminating Electile Dysfunction will never happen, but if all elected officials were recalled (fired, terminated, or lined up and shot) on a regular basis, then perhaps the candidates would become serious about performance of their jobs. If political candidates were to spend more time flipping hamburgers, driving trucks, plumbing crappy sewer systems and digging ditches instead of figuring out ways to enslave the electorate to more pork, then there might be more enthusiasm about the whole process.



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